Something to believe in

34 A.D.

Well, it had to happen sooner or later - the missionaries came to convert us.

We’d got to Las Vegas bus station with three hours to spare – these days it’s best to be cautious, what with the erratic West coast scheduling. There was only one other person in the line – a very loud but friendly young Mexican-Indian lad called Johnathan. He was from Fresno, California and heading to some place in Utah, the name of which I forget. When I asked if he was going to find work he said, “something like that”. I later found out that “something like that” meant he was heading there because of his probation. From spending the next 150 or so minutes with him, I can only assume he’d been a member of some sort of gang and got himself into a spot of bother.

As time went by, I noticed a group of people standing in a circle in the middle of the terminal locked in some kind of prayer. Here we go! It didn’t take long before they seeped out into the crowds to instruct the supposedly lost souls in how they came across Jee-zus. Before I get too far into this, I should point out that I have every respect for people with Faith, but it grates me a little when it’s actively rammed down the throat of someone who’s quite happy not caring less.

Anyhow, the moment came when two likely lads approached me, Tim and Johnathan. When the lead guy of the duo (Tyler) asked me if I’d felt the light of something-or-other, I gave him my pre-planned answer, “Sorry, but I’m a pagan.” He was visibly shocked by this, but, game fellow that he was, Tyler recovered and got on with the hard sell. I tried to be nice, but he made it so easy for me to deliver some classic English sarcasm, e.g.:

TYLER: If you accept Jesus then you go to heaven, which is just awesome and amazing, but if you deny him then you go to hell, which is like...well, it’s like...

JAMES: North Vegas?

[Cue hysterical laughter from Johnathan, Tyler looks a little miffed.]

I apologised and said I didn’t mean to mock and that I understood they had a message to spread, but it just wasn’t meant for me, all due respect. Bizarrely enough, a Hawaiian woman suddenly tried preaching at me from behind – I thought she was with the missionaries, but she turned out to be just another woman in the queue! I also managed to keep her at bay until her husband told her that was enough and she should leave me alone.

Clearly having met his match with me, Tyler turned to Johnathan, who rolled up his sleeve to reveal some scary tattoo of a crucifix, stating that was as much religion as he needed. It turned out he'd had it done to represent his daughter who had been miscarried after five months. Any religious education he’d had in school had been shattered by this event. Things then got a little deep and I wisely kept my smartarse comments to myself.

Reinforcements for the missionaries arrived in the form of Rhonda, who claimed to be prophetic and had been taking notes about us three heathens from across the room. She gave me a piece of paper listing what she felt to be my main characteristics. It had the following upon it:

• Leadership.
• Others like to follow you.
• Wisdom.

Hmmm...what do you think, dear readers?

• I do work in management.
• People do follow my blog.
• The third one she got totally wrong.

In fact, her notes for Johnathan and Tim were way off, and Tim was muttering under his breath how she only struck lucky with me through some kind of cold-reading confidence trick. After I politely refused the offer of a communal prayer for a safe journey, the religious vultures began circling for the weakest target (Johnathan) and gathered around to triple-team him into seeing their light, which made me feel a little uneasy. I took the opportunity to take a picture of the scene:

[From left to right - Johnathan fending off conversion from guy-whose-name-we-didn't-catch, Tyler giving it that big ole missionary smile, Rhonda telling Tim (just out of shot) why she felt he was "diligent", "disciplined and ordered" and "follows the rules".]

Our bus came shortly afterwards and we bid them farewell. Suffice to say, I remain an unsaved, impure heathen.