Thursday, 11/10/2012 – 119 A.D.
10:46: First wonderings about when I’m going to go to the toilet. Dismissed as far too soon on the trip.
06:15: Alarm goes off. We both slept like crap, but you often do when you know you’ve got to be up at an ungodly hour.
07:01: We go to the second floor for breakfast. The lady who is normally on hand turns up five minutes later, all apologetic. She does us five slices of toast instead of the usual four, but I can only manage one.
07:25: We check out and the desk clerk calls us a taxi. It is pink. The driver has even more of a deathwish than normal, gleefully giving the finger to his fellow taxi drivers and giggling like he’s on helium.
07:40: Taxi drops us at the main train station. The journey cost a mere 53 baht – why did we ever bother with the time-consuming and just-as-costly public transport system?
08:00: While talking a stroll around the platforms, cheesy music blares out of the station speaker system. I figure it must be an advertising jingle. Suddenly I notice that everyone around me is standing still as I strut casually by, hands in pockets. Realising it’s actually the national anthem that’s playing, I duly stand still, though I don’t put my hand to my chest. As soon as the final trumpet has blared, everyone starts moving again.
08:20: Our train arrives at platform 10. Departure is scheduled for 08:30. We will be heading right across central Thailand to Chiang Mai in the far north of the country. It is a three carriage put-put train – no wonder it’s going to take us at least 12 hours to reach our destination! As we board, the station employee tells us to put our big bags on the racking above our seats, not on the shelves at the end of the carriage – well duh! As if I’m going to risk it being out of sight for a second!
08:21: Everybody scrambles to get to their seats and in my haste my day bag falls from my shoulder and slams against the little fold-out table, which for some reason is already folded-out. Now it is folded-out and the hinge is broken. I am able to fold it up against the seat in front, but will not be able to rest anything on it for the entire journey. Neither will anyone who sits in this seat after me.
08:30: Train actually leaves on time. I whoop internally at such a miracle.
08:35: Train stops between stations and stays motionless for 15 minutes. After such a lousy night’s sleep, I feel myself drifting off already…
08:40 – 10:00: I drift in and out of sleep as loud people get on at various Bangkok stations. For the first time in a long time I am cold and need my hooded top to use as a blanket.
10:00: Woken by attendant bringing round snack-type thing and coffee, which I have to hold high because of the bumps. Fortunately it is in a high stemmed brown beaker. The snack looks like a jam sponge and…something else. It’s not bad, although the unidentified thing tastes a bit banana-y. I obscenely pull my top back over me and try to go back to sleep.
10:07: I open one eye to see that someone further down the carriage has spilt their coffee everywhere. Had to happen at some point.
10:30: Train stops at a station and family with a screaming child get on and sit…right behind us! Par for the course with us, no? To be fair, child soon quietens down when father starts talking to it, but because he is Spanish his words are loud and constant, so we both reach for our iPods.
10:33: While noting down the above entry in my jotter, my pen runs out. It has lasted since day 1 of the trip and will be sadly missed.
10:39: Spot a huge gold Buddha statue. It’s as big as a three storey house.
11:00 – 12:10: I keep sleeping despite the Chinese bloke in front of me who cannot sit still for a second. Every time I put my knees in one place, he fidgets and bangs the back of his chair against them. His son is no better, constantly launching back into his seat and causing Tim all kinds of problems. My buttocks are already starting to ache.
12:11: Lunch comes around courtesy of the trolley that you get on aeroplanes. It is some kind of curry concoction and dry rice and it does the job, though I leave the most squashed bits. Dessert is some kind of bright green thing. At first we think it is jelly, but there are kidney beans at the bottom, so best to leave it alone.
12:31: I take out the laptop and watch the first episode of series two of An Idiot Abroad, starring the infamous Karl Pilkington.
13:12: I read several chapters from my book, still uncertain as to why my bladder isn’t guiding me down to the far end of the carriage.
13:50: The Chinese kid and his dad get off at some out-of-the-way station. Hooray!
14:15: I watch an episode of The mighty boosh. An elderly Thai lady and her granddaughter now occupy the seats in front of us, but they are no trouble at all. Backside is really rather sore by this point and lots of seat wriggling is taking place.
14:55: We are given more snacks (essentially what we got mid-morning) and I consider yet another nap. How have I managed to go this long without needing the loo?
15:15: I watch another episode of An idiot abroad. Think that’s enough for one day. Gets a bit samey without a proper break between them.
16:00: The scenery starts to get a lot more dramatic. Up until now it had been pretty much flat wet fields all of the way, but now we have steep jungle hills. I listen to the entire version of The end by The Doors for extra dramatic effect.
16:17: I contemplate a great many things, such as what it takes to be successful in life, as well as what makes up the consistency of jam.
17:03: I finally go to the lavatory, even though I reckon I could have held out for longer if necessary. As train-bogs go, it’s not that bad, but just as I am starting, the train pulls into a station. Can the people at the station see my sprinkle splashing down onto the track? Maybe they’re just smiling because their train has finally arrived.
18:28: Train stops moving. It’s pitch black outside so we can’t see why, although I doubt daylight would help us any more. We could be in the middle of a big tunnel, it is impossible to see any details out there. The last Thai train we got arrived three hours late. Oh crap.
18:48: Moving again. Surprisingly there was no explanation for the delay.
19:30: With an hour to go (in theory), I visit the lavatory again.
19:45: Some confusion when we stop at a reasonably large station called Mia Chang. No, that’s not Chiang Mai – as if the train would arrive early!
20:00: Another standstill. I forget how long it lasts.
20:35: People were packing up their bags as if about to alight, but we pull into a tiny station that is definitely not Chiang Mai.
21:30: Getting a bit fed-up now. Have my third visit to the lavatory in the hope that train will arrive at destination while I am using facilities. It doesn’t.
21:45: There is a loud bang, like we hit something or something has blown. The train judders, several people gasp, but we keep moving.
21:47: Train draws to a stop. Oh dear. People get up to investigate, mostly foreigners, but they learn nothing, which isn’t surprising.
22:00: Train starts moving slowly backwards. Already 90 minutes late, this is turning into a nightmare. Why are these railways such a joke? Why can’t they get it right any time?
22:10: Still going backwards we contemplate that we may be returning to the last small station we passed to all be thrown off because the train is knackered. Having to clear the line for an express train coming the other way would be too good to be true.
22:12: We stop going backwards.
22:13: Engines rev, but we go nowhere.
22:14: Driver / mechanic / jester walks down the carriage and I feel like shaking him hard and shouting for an explanation.
22:15: Engines rev again, but still we go nowhere. I am calling for the chief of Thai Railways' head on a plate. Tim is eating his ham and mayonnaise bun.
22:21: Engines rev a third time…nothing. I am too p*ssed off to take photos.
22:23: Official-looking guy in red shirt comes and explains to Thai grandma what happened. We have to go off his body language, but it doesn’t look good. As he explains further down the carriage to someone else, we’re sure we hear the word “cow”.
22:25: Fourth engine rev…fails. Bang goes my plan for some nice grub and a beer tonight. Lucky we only paid £6 each for the hotel we’re staying in. Double lucky that they have a 24 hour check-in desk.
22:28: Old English guy walks through the carriage and tells us that apparently we have hit a cow, but they can’t yet ascertain if the train is partly derailed. My brain is partly derailed, my emotions about to fly completely off the track.
22:29: Engines rev yet again. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
22:31: Suddenly we move gently forwards…then backwards again. Are you still with it at this point, dear readers??? If we keep going backwards any further we’re going to hit the cow a second time!
22:40: Completely giving up on the chance of an evening meal, I eat peanuts.
22:55: We have travelled backwards slowly and now reached the last little station we trundled through. Possibly they will have some specialised equipment here with which they can fix whatever is wrong? No one is sure whether to get off or wait for the order.
22:57: Engines rev and I have a mild hallucination that the train is going forward. Tim assures me it is not moving at all.
23:00: We start playing cards to keep sane.
23:11: I get out to have a look at what is going on. The crew are using some kind of jack and chain combination on the front carriage. That’s about as much as I work out. I decide it’s not very respectful to take pictures with flash while they’re unkackering what is knackered. Even the monk leaves his seat for a gander.
23:15: Cards resumes.
23:21: Looks like some people are coming back onto the train, but they don’t seem relieved.
23:25: There is a shout of, “All aboard!” Are we back on a platform in Edwardian England??? Nevertheless, this is extremely promising and more people return to their seats.
23:31: WE ARE MOVING!!! And forward at that! Goodness knows how long we still have to go to get to Chiang Mai, but at least we’re making progress. And, seeing as we have just passed the three hour late mark, it’s a new record. What really takes the Mickey is that we seriously considered the bus as an alternative way of getting to Chiang Mai!
12:20: Train finally arrives at Chiang Mai, nearly four freaking hours late! We go straight to a tuk-tuk and ignore his offer of 200 baht to our hotel. Second offer we get is from an old woman who suggests 100 – we do the deal for 80, then realise we may not have any change, and she certainly won’t. Sod it – she gets 100 just for getting us to the hotel.
12:50: After checking in, Tim goes straight to sleep. I stay up to try and post a brief blog, but the internet isn’t working. Should go to sleep, but am still wired from the journey. After 16 hours of sitting on the same train, I have just four little words to describe the events of today, and that is, forgive my French, “a load of bollocks”.
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